ANDY FLEMMING. CANNES LION HUNTER.

By Andy Flemming, Cannes Lion Hunter.

 

Robert De Niro’s character in ‘Heat’ famously said ‘Never have anything in your life that you can’t walk out on in thirty seconds flat if you spot the heat coming around the corner.’ Now replace ‘anything in your life’ with ‘a paying client’ and ‘the heat’ with ‘Cannes’ and you have everything you need to become what I am. For I am Andy Flemming, Lion Hunter. And Cannes is my hunting ground.

Follow me as I guide you through the steps to catch and kill your very own bulging shelf of positive reinforcement. A glinting shrine of adoring applause that immediately adds stature to your reception and at least two extremely welcome inches to your undersized penis.

Hunting involves three stages. The stalk, the bait and the kill. Cannes lion hunting is no different. Let me expand.

The stalk.

Firstly, forget your existing client list. Sure, they pay the bills and keep you employed but do they actively lead to awards? No. So fuck them. Sure, throw in a manifesto or a series of lifestyle vignettes or something and they’re happy, but all your attention should be on the prize. A small charity, organisation or scientific department compliant enough to buy your empty promises of international fame and funding. More importantly, they have to buy your idea. (Admittedly ‘buy’ is used loosely, as your agency’s generous award budget should pay for the whole thing but you know what I mean.)

Ideally, you want to solve a world problem. Hunger, AIDS, global warming, the refugee crisis, obesity or the ever persistent threat of global thermonuclear war. Will you? Of course you won’t. But a few quick supers showing ‘tens of millions of engagements’ will imply that you got close. And that’s all that counts. Oh, and if you can save the world with a household product, you’re halfway up the steps to that magical French stage. Here’s how it works.

Did you have toast this morning? Millions did. But what if the toaster could be adapted to fight Dengue Fever? What if it could be the answer to the plastic filling our oceans? What about those cool Nike Air Max 90 trainers you’re wearing? What if each step released pheromones designed to get endangered animals to mate? What if the colour of the trainers could encourage women in abusive relationships to leave their partners? It’s being unafraid of connecting dull things with emotive subjects that leads to victory in the Palais Du Festivale.

Unwilling to create something yourself? Don’t worry, many Lion hunters find coming up with ideas difficult, so my recommendation is to scour tech websites to find small companies who’ve already spent years creating their OWN idea. Then approach them with a sticky name that not only ‘rebrands’ their prototype concept, but instantly attaches your agency to them. Compliant companies are everywhere. From shark repellants to opticians, from Vaseline to the ever reliable highlighter pens, the world is your case study – or as professional award hunters call it – the bait.

The case study is, essentially, a package of death, sadness, lies and eventually optimism – all set to ‘Clocks’ by Coldplay. Creating one is an art-form.

Your target is a bored juror on a cocaine comedown wrapped in a blanket in an over-air-conditioned cellar. You need to grab their attention, bombard them with bullshit and make them cry.

Start with library footage, preferably in black and white, of something very, very sad. A harpooned whale. A bruised face. A child scratching in the parched African desert for food. A burned teddy bear in burning rubble. These are all wonderful, wonderful ways of stopping the juror going onto the next case study. Now hit them with a sudden burst of bright optimism. Think the chorus drop of ‘We are Young’ by Fun. The juror realises there is hope. But what hope? How the hell can we SOLVE this?

An umbrella that harnesses the power of the sun to change how people view the plight of Syrian refugees. THAT’S FUCKING HOW. With the word ‘project’ at the end of it. Because it’s a project yeah? Not just a poxy idea.

Oh, and news reports are your friend. Especially those moments where the news reader SOUNDS like they’re talking about your idea but they’re not. You just need about six of those, then a whole screen of the world’s biggest news logos and suddenly your idea feels bigger than the one-off prototype that eight people from the agency pretended to film a few weeks ago.

CNN, WSJ, Channel News Asia, the works. If it broadcasts news, download the PNJ file and shove it in.

Now buy millions of views from socialwick and make it look like it went viral and upped sales by 300%. A small tear rolls down the sunburned cheek of your juror. Job done.

And because you’ve strategically placed the case study into almost every category in the festival, just one of these beautifully manipulative pieces can net you numerous kills.

Back in the day, Dave Abbott would have been lucky to win maybe three Lions for one of the greatest ads ever written. These days, your average junior can walk away with forty three of them and an ECD job six months later. Does it lower the value of the award? Yes. Probably. But does it up the value of you? YES – and that’s far more important.

Sure, you could spend a year on a major rebrand for a gigantic telco and POSSIBLY win a Grand Prix that’s thoroughly deserved. But hey, who can be arsed when you can bag thirty for a baseball cap that prevents homelessness?

Saving the world is the real ticket to fame and fortune in advertising.

The people. The environment. The oceans. The animals.

So hunt Lions.

Andy Flemming can be found at andyfl@gmail.com for freelance.

Freelance.

For fuck’s sake.

I have awards.